.jh
A Darker Shade of Black

I do not like Amon Amarth

Posted by
.jh
on

To the best of my knowledge this was written by someone named Keith Bergman and I first saw it back in the late 1990s (since it refers to the “new” CD Avenger we have to assume this was written post 1999 but before the next one came out in 2001) but without further ado, here is:

I DO NOT LIKE AMON AMARTH

Once, in the land of Zimble-boo,
Where honkweed grew and brimbles flew,
There lived two fans of heavy metal
Who had a great big score to settle.

One, named Nod, was into stuff
That could never be True enough
He always said to his friend Barth,
"I do not like Amon Amarth.”

Barth, instead, was just the kind
To try and have an open mind
He worshiped metal in all its forms
And any music outside the norm.

At the Frizz-Frazz Works, all day they worked
And Barth thought Nod a tiresome jerk
For from his truck, he would go get
Graveland, Darkthrone and Negura Bunget.

“I have here bootleg tapes of Mayhem,
I will not hesitate to play them.
They feature both Dead and Euronymous
You don’t like these? Ha! You wuss!

Their freezing grimness frightens thee
And flays your soul and sanity.
Thou art untrue, my weak friend Barth.
That’s why you like Amon Amarth.”

“But Nod,” Barth said, his voice a-quiver
"I have catalogs from Spinefarm and Shiver,
Necropolis and House of Kicks
Some bands have learned a few new tricks.

And while its true these newer bands
Have killed no one by their own hands
There is no law in Zimble-boo
That says all metal must be true.”

“Fuck off, you poser!” Nod exclaimed.
"May thy weak ass perish in flames!
The corporate labels are your friends,
To them you look for mindless trends.

“I will not like your Borknagar,
So please don’t play it in your car,
I’d sooner hacksaw off my ear
Than listen to Dimmu Borgir

“God Dethroned just makes me laugh
Cradle of Filth incurs my wrath
And most of all, my lame friend Barth,
I do not like Amon Amarth.”

“But would you like them, Nod, if soon
They did a record for Full Moon?”
"Not e’en on vinyl, you buffoon
I would not like them on Full Moon.”

“But would you like them, Nod my friend,
If they did a record for The End?”
"Those corporate followers of trend?
Not on your life. I will not bend!”

“Well, how about Necropolis?”
"On them I take a healthy piss!”
"Surely you like Misanthropy.”
"You Christian tool, begone from me!

“Please do not mention Hammerheart
Those thieves of diabolic art
Your head is so far up your ass
You might as well say Nuclear Blast

“And mention not Century Media
Or else I will be forced to beat-y ya
Please, Metal Blade? Have you no balls?
Those bastards signed the Goo Goo Dolls!!”

“But Nod,” Barth cried, “this band is good
They hate the Lord, just as they should
Their sound is great, which is what you get when
Its engineered by Peter Tägtgren

And though its all been done before
It kicks much ass, you can be sure
So take it from your old friend Barth,
You’d really like Amon Amarth.”

At this, Nod flew into a fit
And tore poor Barth to little bits
He murdered him with Satan’s might
Then went to jail without a fight

And there, he only got to hear
What people taped for his imprisoned ear
He could not buy from catalogs
From Breath of Night or from Moonfog

No compact discs could he possess
Only dubbed tapes, to his distress
But then one day, he got a mix
From some homely Goth pen-pal chick

She taped him Emperor and Dawn
Dark Funeral and Apollyon
She even filled all of side two
With bands like Opeth and Lilitu.

And when our Nod was forced to hear
These different bands, his pagan ear
Was startled, and his beady eyes
Did widen in complete surprise

He liked these bands! Yes, quite a bit!
It made old Darkthrone sound like shit
It wasn’t kult, to be quite fair
But he realized, he didn’t care!

And on the end of this cassette
One more surprise awaited yet
Amon Amarth, the very band
That made Nod kill his bestest friend

The final song that was in store,
"God, His Son, and the Holy Whore,"
From The Avenger, their new CD,
Came blasting out of Cell Block Three.

Why, Nod was startled and perturbed
"Where is this place called Gothenburg?
That buzzsaw sound, these catchy songs
I could enjoy this all day long!

“I’ve seen the error of my ways
But who is this right now that plays?"
He checked the listing on the tape,
Then laughed and said “For goodness sake!

“Barth, had I but listened to thee
You’d be alive, and I’d be free So hey,
I owe ya one, ol Barth
I do so like Amon Amarth!”

Keith Bergman (w/apologies to Theodore Geisel - R.I.P.)

Permalink, Source, Tags: musicblogAmon Amarthnostalgia2022

Latest

All posts →

Tags

blog music best of 2013 playlist running 2011 2009 2021 2010 best of 2009 2018 2019 2017 best of 2018 best of 2017 best of 2013 best of 2011 best of 2010 best of 2021 best of 2020 best of 2019 best of 2016 best of 2015 best of 2014 best of 2012 2020 2016 2015 2014 2012 Blut Aus Nord riding ThrowbackThursday Nightbringer Deathspell Omega about Spektr Shining Peste Noire Mgła Mephorash Funeral Mist Anaal Nathrakh traffic thoughts openbsd driving cars Ungfell Selbst Sargeist Porta Nigra Nazxul Misery Index Funereal Presence Cénotaphe Blaze of Perdition Behexen Ashencult Ash Pool Aorlhac Akhlys מזמור π ÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞ Ô Laudate Dominvs worst idea ever trip report travel tech sblg rdist politics people i can do without nostalgia mdf marriage holiday decorations hate family guy end dmv darker Yodh X - Varg Utan Flock Woods of Desolation With Hearts Towards None What Once Was Liber III Watain Vom schwarzen Schmied Vermis Venenum Scorpionis Varg och Björn Vanum Vanitas Vallendusk VII: Född Förlorare V: The Inside Scriptures Unbound Ulcerate Uada Tyrany Triade I: Eos Transient Totem The Synarchy of Molten Bones The Poisonous Path The Killing Gods The Irrepassable Gate The Harrowing of Hearts The Furnaces of Palingensia The Dreaming I The Confessor The Art To Disappear The Archer Takes Aim The Acausal Mass Thantifaxath Terra Damnata Tempest Superior Massacre Sphere Sjukdom Shroud of Despondency Shem Ha Mephorash Shaped By Aeolian Winds Schöpfungswut Satanic Warmaster Sangus Sacred White Noise Resilient Relatos De Angustia Quantos Possunt Ad Satanitatem Trahunt Pierres Brûlées Pedicabo Mundi Passion Paracletus Opus Serpens One Master Ondskapt Ofte Jeg Drømmer Mig Død Nothing But The Whole Nightside Emanations Near Death Experience Nachtmystium Mythen Myrkskog Murg Mournful Congregation Monte Verità Monsters Mondocane Misþyrming Misotheist Merrimack Menhir Memoria Vetusta III: Saturnian Poetry Memoria Vetusta II: Dialogue With the Stars Melinoë Mare Maranatha MCMXV L’Ordure à l’état Pur L’Homme Absurde Lycus Lycanthropic Burrowing Lord Impaler Limbo Lifelover Let The Devil In Lenience Lawless Darkness Lamp of Murmuur La Chaise-Dyable LVTHN L'esprit Des Vents Krieg Klagopsalmer Katharsis Kampfar Kaiserschnitt Journey Towards Ruin Jordfäst Inquisition In the Constellation of the Black Widow Immortal Iconoclast III I Hæthen Hädanefter Holókauston Holmengraa Hekatomb Heirs To Thievery Heir of Ecliptical Romanticism Handful of Stars Hallucinogen Grafvitnir Gorgoroth Gods Without Name Glorior Belli George Carlin Gaerea Fourth Reich Four Phantoms Forlet Sires For the Glory of Your Redeemer For You Men Who Gaze Into the Sun For Which He Plies The Lash Fimbulwinter Ferriterium Farvegir Fyrndar Exercises in Futility Es Grauet Eradication of Nescience Empyrée Emptiness Embracing the Lightless Depths Eleven Dragons Ego Dominus Tuus Dødsengel Délétère Dvala Dumal Drudkh Drought Discipline Deus Salutis Meæ Det Eviga Leendet Deströyer666 Demiurage of the Void Deivos Deiform Definace De Horae Leprae Dauþuz Darkspace Cypher Cult of a Dying Sun Cull Cremation is Irreversible Crafteon Cosmic Reawakening Conscious Darkness Condemnation Circumambulations of the Solar Inferno Canopy Calvaire Cadaver Inc. Burzum Book of Kings Bloodshed Across the Empyrean Altar Beyond the Celestial Zenith Blood Magick Necromance Blodhemn Black Flame Gnosis Black Clouds Gathering Bestia Arcana Belus Belphegor Bell Witch Barghest Babylon Whore Auðn Ash Borer As The Stars Arisen From The Ashes Arckanum Apocalypse Sun Aosoth Aoratos Antzaat Antaeus Amon Amarth All Shall Fall Algleymi Aldebaran Ageless Fire Age of Excuse Afsky Aeons in Tectonic Interment Acrimonious Achatius Abbotoir Aara 777 - Sect(s) 777 - Cosmosophy 2022 1557 Rites Of Nullification