Subject: I do not like Amon Amarth From: .jh Date: 2022-09-25T01:12:00Z Tags: music blog Amon\ Amarth nostalgia 2022 About a quarter of a century ago, I was on several metal related mailing lists, they'd come and go and new ones would take their place. Sometimes the cast of characters was pretty much the same, but of course also people came and went. With few exceptions I've lost track of everyone I barely knew there. Fast forward 25 years and I'm on a zoom with some fellow metal folks and the new Amon Amarth album came up, and suddenly I'm thinking back to a post on one of those mailing lists and I remember someone had carefully crafted a spoof of Dr. Seuss' _Green Eggs and Ham_ called _I do not like Amon Amarth_, I should pause here and say that I personally have nothing against Amon Amarth, while I'm not a huge fan I can enjoy especially some of the early material, regardless I couldn't imagine that I could track this down, but after searching some of my archives I managed to find that I'd saved a copy. I think he posted this on the mailing list (it's entirely possible the person who posted it on the mailing list wasn't the person who wrote it and he had found it somewhere else) and that's it. However reading it makes me chuckle so I thought I'd re-post this here for posterity. --- To the best of my knowledge this was written by someone named _Keith Bergman_ and I first saw it back in the late 1990s (since it refers to the "new" CD _Avenger_ we have to assume this was written post 1999 but before the next one came out in 2001) but without further ado, here is: **I DO NOT LIKE AMON AMARTH** Once, in the land of Zimble-boo, Where honkweed grew and brimbles flew, There lived two fans of heavy metal Who had a great big score to settle. One, named Nod, was into stuff That could never be True enough He always said to his friend Barth, "I do not like Amon Amarth." Barth, instead, was just the kind To try and have an open mind He worshiped metal in all its forms And any music outside the norm. At the Frizz-Frazz Works, all day they worked And Barth thought Nod a tiresome jerk For from his truck, he would go get Graveland, Darkthrone and Negura Bunget. "I have here bootleg tapes of Mayhem, I will not hesitate to play them. They feature both Dead and Euronymous You don't like these? Ha! You wuss! Their freezing grimness frightens thee And flays your soul and sanity. Thou art untrue, my weak friend Barth. That's why you like Amon Amarth." "But Nod," Barth said, his voice a-quiver "I have catalogs from Spinefarm and Shiver, Necropolis and House of Kicks Some bands have learned a few new tricks. And while its true these newer bands Have killed no one by their own hands There is no law in Zimble-boo That says all metal must be true." "Fuck off, you poser!" Nod exclaimed. "May thy weak ass perish in flames! The corporate labels are your friends, To them you look for mindless trends. "I will not like your Borknagar, So please don't play it in your car, I'd sooner hacksaw off my ear Than listen to Dimmu Borgir "God Dethroned just makes me laugh Cradle of Filth incurs my wrath And most of all, my lame friend Barth, I do not like Amon Amarth." "But would you like them, Nod, if soon They did a record for Full Moon?" "Not e'en on vinyl, you buffoon I would not like them on Full Moon." "But would you like them, Nod my friend, If they did a record for The End?" "Those corporate followers of trend? Not on your life. I will not bend!" "Well, how about Necropolis?" "On them I take a healthy piss!" "Surely you like Misanthropy." "You Christian tool, begone from me! "Please do not mention Hammerheart Those thieves of diabolic art Your head is so far up your ass You might as well say Nuclear Blast "And mention not Century Media Or else I will be forced to beat-y ya Please, Metal Blade? Have you no balls? Those bastards signed the Goo Goo Dolls!!" "But Nod," Barth cried, "this band is good They hate the Lord, just as they should Their sound is great, which is what you get when Its engineered by Peter TÃĪgtgren And though its all been done before It kicks much ass, you can be sure So take it from your old friend Barth, You'd really like Amon Amarth." At this, Nod flew into a fit And tore poor Barth to little bits He murdered him with Satan's might Then went to jail without a fight And there, he only got to hear What people taped for his imprisoned ear He could not buy from catalogs From Breath of Night or from Moonfog No compact discs could he possess Only dubbed tapes, to his distress But then one day, he got a mix From some homely Goth pen-pal chick She taped him Emperor and Dawn Dark Funeral and Apollyon She even filled all of side two With bands like Opeth and Lilitu. And when our Nod was forced to hear These different bands, his pagan ear Was startled, and his beady eyes Did widen in complete surprise He liked these bands! Yes, quite a bit! It made old Darkthrone sound like shit It wasn't kult, to be quite fair But he realized, he didn't care! And on the end of this cassette One more surprise awaited yet Amon Amarth, the very band That made Nod kill his bestest friend The final song that was in store, "God, His Son, and the Holy Whore," From The Avenger, their new CD, Came blasting out of Cell Block Three. Why, Nod was startled and perturbed "Where is this place called Gothenburg? That buzzsaw sound, these catchy songs I could enjoy this all day long! "I've seen the error of my ways But who is this right now that plays?" He checked the listing on the tape, Then laughed and said "For goodness sake! "Barth, had I but listened to thee You'd be alive, and I'd be free So hey, I owe ya one, ol Barth I do so like Amon Amarth!" **Keith Bergman (w/apologies to Theodore Geisel - R.I.P.)**